On Bullying among Young Boys: Detailed Observations

 The following is a companion to the more general document titled “On Bullying among Young Boys,” and provides a description of the behaviors of my son’s primary bully and his sidekick.

This is the best summary of what’s happened between Michael, Robert, and Daniel that I can assemble. Given what my wife, Lisa, and I have witnessed, confirmation of some events from a few others, and the physical and emotional toll it’s taken on Daniel, I suspect I’m quite close to the truth. My goal, as always, is to figure out the truth. These are all just kids involved here, and they need help changing their behaviors for the better.

 

Cast: There’s a lot of people, so I’ll try to write “Michael’s father” etc. as often as possible. All names are changed.

Daniel. Our son. His parents are Lisa and I. His little sister is Erin.

Michael Thompson. A cunning bully. His parents are Samantha and John.

Robert Henderson. Michael’s sidekick. His parents are William and Caroline. His little sister is Rachel.

Andrew. His parents are Stella and Leonard.

Elaine and Timothy. Neighborhood friends of Daniel. Their parents are Martin and Sandra.

Simon. A neighborhood friend. His father is Jack.

 

Michael has bullied Daniel since early in 1^st grade (Fall/Winter 2021). From discussions with Daniel, observations by my wife Lisa and I, and the occasional observation from other kids or parents, the following appears to be Michael’s modus operandi:

He started as a tattle-tale in/before pre-k, would catch other kids doing bad things and tell on them. There must have been some positive reinforcement here, because he kept at it and enjoys it. Sometime between pre-K and 1^st grade, he learned that he could provoke or convince other kids to do bad things, then tell on them. This led him to start planning ways to get other kids upset or get them to do something bad, always out of sight of adults, and then go tell on them when those other kids reacted poorly/did the bad thing. Sometime around 1^st grade he also escalated into physical attacks, but again in carefully chosen times and places so as to not get caught. I only know of one routine victim of his (Daniel), so I suspect that he chooses his victims carefully, has very few victims, and goes after kids who already display behavioral difficulties so he can more easily rile them up and keep suspicion away from himself. Michael will also use smaller kids in his plans, do things only when one or two “trusted” kids are around, and sometimes try to recruit other kids around his age to do his bidding. He is very careful, for his age and maturity level, about not getting caught and will wait until adults are not looking or are out of the area before acting, and can “code switch” when adults are present, understanding that he can’t deceive them as readily as kids.

Michael also has severe anger issues that are kept on a tight leash. I’ve seen him, on occasions when his plans failed or he felt slighted, standing with contorted face, grinding teeth, shaking fists, crying, and nearly whole-body shaking anger. Something as minor as failing to frame Daniel for stealing another child’s toy would send him into this barely controlled rage. I want to emphasize that it is different than any other kids I know, who might cry or get mad in recognizable ways, and seems much stronger yet repressed. Even Daniel, who had a quick temper when younger, wouldn’t get this intense. On the one occasion when Michael showed these strong emotions in public around his father, Michael was loudly berated, threatened, and shouted at to stop crying or go home.

Daniel and a few other kids have noted that Michael is always interested in what other kids are doing and will frequently “get into their business.” When I first encountered Michael in Spring/Summer 2021, he was friendly to Daniel and became very chatty toward me. He would ask me all sorts of questions about Daniel, was very interested to know what Daniel liked to do, etc. I took him for a friendly and verbally advanced kid at the time, but given all that’s transpired and my observations of him since then, I strongly suspect that he’s always digging for information and looking for fodder for his tattling and bullying. He wants to find kids doing bad things, or find things that he can make look bad or use to make other kids feel bad. But again, he’s very cautious about not getting caught and picking his targets, and I doubt he has more than one or two regular targets in the neighborhood.

I know the above all sounds like too much, but quite a lot has happened to draw me to these conclusions.

Robert is Michael’s accomplice. He started out just playing along with Michael, and felt bad for what they did to Daniel, but to my knowledge never admitted what they were doing to anyone (his parents, etc.). Robert was sometimes used as bait by Michael, because Robert and Daniel were friends and played together frequently in 1^st grade (Fall/winter 2021, spring 2022), so Daniel wasn’t initially suspicious when Robert would knock on our door to ask him to play. Daniel has had a very hard time recognizing that Robert has not been friendly to him, has deceived him, and cannot be trusted due to his involvement with Michael’s bullying.

Finally, Daniel is our son. He is big for his age and quite smart, but is socially behind his peers. For instance, at ages 6 and 7 he had difficulty understanding the concept of lying and would ask about it from time to time. His understanding of interpersonal relations is probably two years behind most of his peers. He also likely has ADHD and a form of Tourette’s (verbal and muscle tics), though he has not yet been diagnosed—we’re in the process. He’s easily overwhelmed by noisy crowds, repetitive sounds, or certain levels of physical touch, and gets frustrated. He’s gotten better at handling this as he has aged.

The first section of this document lists the events that have happened by severity and location, and notes approximate dates and who witnessed them, as well as all details I’ve been able to collect. The second section lists events in chronological order, though that gets a bit fuzzy in some areas, which will be explained below. Then I have a few end-notes about Michael and Robert’s parents.

 

The Major Events

Choking and Threating

(Age 6) In early Spring 2022, Daniel was playing with Michael and Robert at the playground, running all around the park and the nearby houses. Lisa and I knew that there was something going on between Daniel and Michael, but didn’t have a sense of the full scope of it and thought it was just some clashes in playstyle. At this age we were letting Daniel play outside loosely supervised, checking in on him every 20 minutes or so, which had worked fine when he played with other kids. Michael’s mother Samantha, was always cheerful and saying things were fine when I would encounter her at the playground.

On this day I was in the Henderson’s backyard talking to Samantha for 20 to 30 minutes. At the end of this time, I stepped out into the park and got Daniel to come home with me for dinner. After we sat down at the table, Daniel asked us (paraphrased) “Is it ok for someone to put their hands on your neck and squeeze really hard?” He broke down in tears and we gave him hugs and asked him what happened.

It appears that Michael, accompanied by Robert, led Daniel out of the playground, to a secluded area away from the nearby houses, where there’s a bush and some visual cover. Michael told Daniel they were going to play a game, and that the rule for this game was that he couldn’t tell anyone about it. Michael then proceeded to choke Daniel. Thankfully Daniel is a big kid and managed to get Michael off him. Michael then said to Daniel (paraphrasing) “if you tell your parents about this, I’ll post something embarrassing about you on the internet!”

Daniel wet the bed routinely starting that night and for the next month. He begged us to move to another neighborhood so he could get away from Michael. He became very reluctant to go play outside, and regressed emotionally for several months. He often cried himself to sleep at night, with one of us needing to lay next to him. We had to contact the school and ask his teacher to make sure that Daniel was not seated near Michael. We also learned from Daniel that Michael had been harassing Daniel during recess and in the classroom, and asked the teacher to please look out for that.

I knocked on the Henderson’s door a couple days after the incident and spoke to Robert’s father, Will, about it. I emphasized that Robert had not laid hands on Daniel, but noted that Robert was present “with” Michael and did not appear to have tried to stop Michael. From Will’s reaction, Robert apparently did not tell his parents about what happened. Will was apologetic, and I emphasized that I wasn’t upset and just wanted to make sure we could fix this and ensure it doesn’t happen again. When I mentioned the verbal threat (“post something embarrassing about you on the internet”), Will said “Yeah, that sounds like Michael,” so apparently Michael’s behaviors are, to some extent, known to the Hendersons.

I told Will that, if roles were reversed, I’d like for him to let me know if Daniel had done or been witness to anything so out of the ordinary, and that I hoped we could raise any major problems with each other in the future. I asked Will if there was anything unusual or upsetting that Daniel had done to Robert, and Will mentioned that sometimes Robert would go outside and ask Daniel and Andrew to play and they would say “no,” and Robert would come home crying. This had apparently happened several times in the past weeks/months, though no mention of it had been made by the Hendersons the numerous times I’d seen them. More about this later in the document.

I attempted to speak to Michael’s parents at the playground about two weeks later (when they were alone and off to the side at a mutual friend’s birthday party), but they immediately went on the offensive and said Daniel was an uncontrollable terror and blamed us for letting Daniel play outside unsupervised (at the time we checked up on him every ~20 minutes, which worked fine with other kids, until Michael came around). Michael’s father John said that Daniel was just “jealous of Michael and Robert’s friendship” and so acted out whenever the two of them were together. After two sentences (the only two sentences he has ever spoken to me in the six years since they moved here), John walked away. I told Samantha that Michael had choked and threatened Daniel, and she expressed disbelief because “we were watching them the whole time.” I pointed out that we were in the Henderson’s backyard for close to half an hour while the boys ran all over the place and we most definitely were not watching them for most of that time, and could not have seen them on the far side of the houses, where the choking took place.

After my attempted conversation with the Thompsons, I again spoke with Will Henderson, who was again apologetic. When told that the Thompsons were not willing to hear what happened, Will said (paraphrased) “some people don’t understand what their own kids are like.” He also mentioned that he and Caroline had certain “social relations” with the Thompsons, as a way of telling me that they were going to continue socializing with the Thompsons and, apparently, letting Robert play with Michael. I never asked him to stop doing so, but was a little surprised, and would have had a different reaction were I in his place.

About a week later, Samantha ran into my wife, Lisa, outside and mentioned that she spoke with Michael. She “asked Michael to be a better friend to Daniel” and “didn’t want us to think that they’re bad people.” There was no indication that she understood the severity of what her son had done, or that there were any consequences for his actions.

For the rest of the spring and the summer, Michael did not bother Daniel, and Daniel sometimes played with Michael and Robert outside, but always under close supervision by either Lisa or me.

 

Battle Against Robert

(Age 7) In October 2022, a girl named Elaine had started a battle game among the kids at the playground where pairs of kids were to fight (light contact, toy weapons allowed) in a series of Mortal Kombat type tournament games, with a referee. One evening, one of the matches was Daniel vs. Robert.

(The following was related by Daniel, with confirmation in most details by Elaine about four or five days later, and one detail “highly likely” given Lisa witnessed similar a few days prior) Daniel was armed with a NERF gun, Robert with a rubber toy sword. In round 1, Robert was hitting Daniel hard with the sword and Daniel told him it hurt and asking him to stop. At the break between rounds (there was a referee calling the breaks), Daniel complained to Robert that the sword was hurting him and wanted him to stop using it. Robert insisted that it was a rubber sword and Daniel couldn’t be hurt by a rubber sword, and he said he was going to keep hitting Daniel with it. Robert had made a similar statement to Michael several days prior, witnessed by Lisa at the playground, when he had hit Michael hard and repeatedly on the shoulders with it and Michael had protested in pain. “You can’t get hurt by a rubber sword!” was Robert’s reply.

The referee called “Fight!” while the boys were still talking. According to Daniel he was taken by surprise, made a snap judgement to knock the sword out of Robert’s hand, so he kicked Robert’s sword arm “as hard as I could.” Robert was upset at the kick and swung the sword hard into Daniel’s stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

(The following was directly witnessed by me, sitting on the playground bench and then hearing Daniel cry out to my right, over on the grass. I was watching our daughter and had not been paying attention in that direction until then) Daniel doubled over in pain and started crying while Robert stared at him, and then stared at me. Robert marched into the Henderson’s backyard, and I guessed that the Hendersons saw what he had done and wanted to talk to him about it. Daniel lurched over to me on the bench, still crying, and started yelling toward Robert’s yard that (paraphrase) “You’re a terrible friend and I hate you!” I got Daniel to calm down and he related the above series of events to me on the bench.

Robert came out of his backyard and I told Daniel that, while Robert had been hurting him, he should go over and try to apologize to Robert and explain why he kicked him, and see if Robert would apologize to him for hurting him with the sword. Instead of a mutual apology, Robert stared angrily at Daniel and shouted (paraphrase) “I don’t care about you!” and walked away from Daniel. I took Daniel into the Henderson’s backyard to try and discuss with them. I started by saying “I didn’t see everything that happened, but--” and Will interjected, looking straight past me at Daniel “Did you tell him that you kicked Robert?” I mentioned that I understood Robert had also been hitting Daniel with his sword, and Will replied “Elaine said Robert wasn’t attacking Daniel,” and pointed to Elaine, nearby (more on this later). I had no reply, and Will followed up, again directly addressing Daniel behind me “Did you tell your dad those horrible things you were yelling at Robert?” I realized that the Hendersons didn’t know I had been out there. Then Will suggested we “take a break.” It was clear that he wasn’t interested in trying to figure out what happened and helping the boys reconcile, so I just agreed.

I led Daniel back home and asked him why he decided to kick Robert instead of run away, and he said that Robert’s faster than him and could probably catch him and knock him down. I reassured him that next time, running away and getting me was the better option, and he should avoid getting physical unless it was the only option.

A couple days after the Battle Setup against Timothy (below), I spoke with Elaine about the kicking. I asked her why she said Robert wasn’t attacking Daniel with the sword, and she clarified that she meant Robert wasn’t attacking yet, but was still getting ready to attack. I asked her if Robert had already been hitting Daniel with the sword during the earlier battle round and she said “yes” and went on to confirm that Daniel had been telling Robert that it was hurting him and asked Robert to stop, and that Robert refused and was getting ready to hit Daniel more. She confirmed Daniel’s retelling of events.

To the best of my knowledge, the Hendersons believe that Daniel kicked Robert for no reason and lied to me about what happened, and that Robert’s “revenge” (as Will characterized it on the phone much later) of hitting Daniel in the stomach was not nice but understandable. My view is that while I don’t think Daniel made the right choice to kick instead of run in this scenario, he perceived that he was acting in self-defense, and both boys could have listened to each other, apologized, and made up.

 

Battle Setup against Timothy

(Age 7, two days after Battle Against Robert) In October 2022, Daniel and his sister Erin were playing with Elaine (age 7) and Timothy (age 3) across the street, building leaf piles. Lisa was sitting in our dining room with the window open, reading and also watching, since Erin was only 4 and we were still cautious about her playing across a street where cars and delivery trucks may drive fast.

While Lisa watched, Michael and Robert came up the stairs from the playground with NERF guns, spied on the other kids from behind a bush, and then charged at them aiming NERF guns, shouting. Daniel jumped in front of Erin and asked them not to shoot her. One or both of the boys then proceeded to call Daniel a “loser,” shoot him with NERF darts, and insult the kids’ leaf pile, plus other language that was not audible to Lisa. Michael and Robert then ran back to the playground, still calling Daniel names, in a clear attempt to bait him to follow. Daniel, who was somewhat wise to Michael’s ways by this point, did not.

The four kids continued playing and building leaf piles out front until Erin wanted to come inside. At that point, Daniel, Elaine, and Timothy decided to go to the playground. Lisa got Erin set up watching TV and eating a snack, then rushed outside to see what was going on, since Michael and Robert had been around and she was concerned. No more than 10 minutes elapsed when Daniel was at the playground without one of us supervising.

(The following section has been recreated from what Daniel told us, with very general confirmation from Elaine) Upon reaching the playground they ran into Michael and Robert. Elaine had been orchestrating a “battle” game among kids lately where they would fight (light contact) Mortal Kombat style, with a referee, etc. Michael suggested that Timothy (age 3 at this time) attack Daniel, but Daniel didn’t agree. Timothy was armed with a squishy ball, while Daniel was given a small NERF gun. Michael and Robert proceeded to egg on Timothy, telling him how brave he was to attack a bigger kid, encouraging him to chase and attack Daniel, and getting Timothy to throw the ball at Daniel. Daniel initially backed away and asked Timothy to stop. After Daniel backed away a few times, Michael called Daniel a coward and threatened to (paraphrase) “tell everyone at school that he’s a scaredy-cat who runs away from little kids” if Daniel tried to run away. Daniel, taking these threats very literally, stopped running away.

Timothy hit Daniel with the ball several times, then Daniel picked the ball up and hit Timothy in the stomach with it. Michael and Robert came running in, yelling at Daniel, shouting in his face (paraphrase) “How could you do that to Timothy? He’s just a little kid! What’s wrong with you?!” Then they gave Timothy a stick and told him to attack Daniel with it and continued egging him on, telling him he was brave.

Daniel withstood some pokes, then started firing his NERF gun at Timothy to get him to stop. Timothy started crying and Michael and Robert ran at Daniel, yelling at him again for daring to shoot Timothy. Robert’s mother, Caroline Henderson, was near an open window and witnessed Daniel shooting Timothy, Timothy crying, and Michael and Robert yelling at Daniel. This appears to be the only portion of events she witnessed, and she believes that the other kids were defending Timothy from Daniel, that Daniel was the aggressor attacking a little kid.

(The following was witnessed directly by Lisa) After getting Erin settled inside our house, Lisa came outside and crossed the street to the top of the stairs at the playground. Near the bottom of the stairs, the kids had Daniel backed up against a fence, with Michael and Robert aiming their NERF guns at Daniel and Elaine showing Timothy how to stab Daniel in the stomach with a stick, all encouraging him to do so. As Lisa descended the steps, Michael and Robert noticed her and immediately backed away from Daniel, acting like they weren’t a part of the action. Elaine then noticed Lisa and also backed away a bit, telling Daniel “Look, your mom’s here!” Timothy then poked Daniel in the stomach with the stick and Daniel fired a single NERF shot at Timothy. Michael and Robert came running in again, yelling at Daniel about how terrible he was and how he should be ashamed of shooting Timothy, who’s just a little kid.

Lisa shouted for them all to stop it, and went over to Daniel after the other kids moved away. She asked him if he was ok, and if he wanted to come inside. He looked shaken but said he didn’t want to come in. Discussing this event with him weeks later, once he was able to talk about it without spiraling into a panic attack, Daniel would explain that he didn’t think he could leave, because then Michael would carry through on this threat to embarrass him in front of the whole school.

Lisa couldn’t stay out long (dinner on the stovetop), so told the kids to play something else, ran back inside and called to me, as I was working in the basement. I came upstairs a few minutes later, put on shoes and went outside. I met Daniel as he was crossing the street home, and Daniel told me that Robert and Michael were just charging at him with their NERF guns and shouting “Coward! Scaredy-Cat! Chicken!” at his face repeatedly, and he didn’t like that so he was coming home. I saw Elaine and Timothy leaving the park and, only knowing what Lisa had witnessed, talked to them briefly about listening when someone says “no.” Timothy was in good spirits and did not appear upset or harmed, and smiled as he told me Daniel had thrown a ball at him. I wanted to talk to Michael and Robert, but they had left the playground, so we returned home. Once inside our house, Daniel broke down crying, sobbing, and shaking on the stairs, asking why his friends were doing this to him.

This was a classic double-bind setup, where Daniel would be publicly humiliated if he ran away, but would also be humiliated and in trouble if he defended himself against a much younger child who was being encouraged to attack him. He was supposed to just sit there and take whatever was thrown at him.

Starting that night, and for every single night for approximately two months, Daniel wet the bed. He asked if we could move to another neighborhood. He asked us to contact the school again to make sure they watched Michael at recess. He asked us to talk to Robert and Michael’s parents, so they knew what their kids were doing, and so they could stop their kids and Daniel could be “safe.” He cried himself to sleep at night for weeks while one of us laid with him. He was hesitant to play outside and emotionally regressed.

The above sections that were dependent on Daniel as a witness took a few weeks to put together, since talking about what happened greatly agitated and distressed him, and could send him into an anxiety/panic spiral, and we didn’t want to press him too hard. As he recovered, Daniel would randomly come to us with questions like “How do I know when Robert is lying?” or “Why does Michael hurt me?” that he hoped Lisa or I would be able to answer. We again contacted the school to watch out for Michael and Robert at recess.

I spoke to Martin (Elaine and Timothy’s father) a few days after the incident and he was shocked at what had happened. He said his kids came in the door, Timothy said “Daniel hit me in the stomach with a ball,” and Martin replied “And what did you do to Daniel?” and Timothy admitted that he had thrown the ball at Daniel, and attacked Daniel with a stick, and Martin had told him to not do that. And that was it, Timothy was fine. I mentioned that I had no concerns about his kids, since they always play nice, but that Michael was present and had recruited them into doing something of which they had no experience. Martin confirmed that his kids and ours always play well together, and were playing well with the leaf piles for an hour or so, then Michael showed up and there was trouble. He also noted that he sits on his deck out back, overlooking the playground, and has noticed Michael stirring up trouble and acting strangely at times, and that he’d had suspicions about him. We parted amicably.

About a week after the events at the park I spoke to Robert’s mother, Caroline Henderson, at the bus stop. She was far enough away from the other adults that I approached and quietly asked her if I could have a private conversation with either her or Will sometime in the next couple days about what had happened at the playground the other week. She immediately replied “I don’t want them playing together anymore.” I told her (paraphrased) “That’s fine, but Michael has started bullying Daniel again and I need to talk to you about what happened” At this point my recollection may be out of order, but she replied (paraphrased) “Oh I saw what happened, Daniel was attacking Timothy, and the kids were yelling at Daniel to stop!” From here I completely lose track of the conversation, but it unfortunately continued in this manner until the bus arrived. Daniel got off and said Robert and Michael had been threatening him, while Robert said that Daniel was threatening him. Caroline has not spoken a word to me or Lisa, and has not even looked in our direction since this day. According to Will, I started arguing with her in public at the bus stop and am wholly to blame.

About a week later, I obtained Will’s phone number and texted him, referencing our previous promise after the choking and threatening incident that we would bring up any major problems to each other. Will refused to meet in person to discuss, but insisted on a phone call. He prefaced the conversation by stating “Look, I know you’re going to do everything you can to defend Daniel,” which is quite a misunderstanding of how I operate. I want the facts, and I want to know if my kid was culpable, and I was still putting together some of the pieces at that time since it was hard to get Daniel to talk about what happened without making him relive the trauma, and he was still crying himself to sleep and wetting the bed.

The first half of the phone call with Will was me explaining what Lisa or I had seen, though he cut me off before I could finish and started in with “Daniel lies to you, Daniel hides things from you too.” He told me what Caroline had witnessed out of the window, which Daniel confirmed to me later that night. He then proceeded to try and make Robert and Michael’s actions equivalent to some grievances he was holding against Daniel and went through three incidents where Daniel had been mean to Robert:

(1) “You complain about kids calling him [rude nickname], but Daniel had a rude nickname for Robert.” I hadn’t even mentioned the [rude nickname] on the call, so it was entirely out of left field. But one day, after school in the previous Spring, Daniel had called Robert a rude nickname repeatedly while they were playing outside. I had Daniel write an apology letter that same day to Robert, and Robert wrote a thank you letter back, and the issue never arose again. Daniel has been called [rude nickname] for years by Michael and Robert, and whatever kids Michael can rally to support him, both in the neighborhood and at school. This nickname is a rhyme on his real name. It has gotten bad enough that Daniel has expressed to Lisa and I that he dislikes his name and wishes we had given him a different one.

(2) An incident in Spring 2022 where Daniel and Robert were playing with sticks and Daniel gave Robert a cut on the side of his face, near his left eye. Will claimed that Daniel never told me about it since he never apologized to Robert. Daniel did in fact tell me as soon as he got in the house, but it was late, I had dinner on the stovetop, Erin to watch, and Lisa laying down in bed sick, and made the bad judgement call to wait until the next day and meet Robert in the morning at the school bus stop to apologize—and Daniel did, but neither Will nor Caroline was there to witness it. Neither brought up the incident at any point until 6 months later on this phone call. Since this incident had happened 6 months prior and had never come up in conversation, when Will asked me if I knew about it I had to think for a moment and he jumped at my hesitation, telling me that it was clear Daniel had not told me about and lied to me.

(3) Will said that I was upset Michael and Robert “ganged up” on Daniel, but that Daniel and Andrew used to “gang up on Robert.” This ganging up happened when Robert would approach them outside, ask to play with them, and they’d say “no” and Robert would come home crying. The implication here was that Michael and Robert’s behavior was equivalent to Daniel and Andrew’s refusal to play with Robert. More about this later, but Andrew was afraid of Robert due to the bullying he suffered at Michael and Robert’s hands and didn’t want to play with him.

I had not mentioned any of the above three issues on the phone with Will before he cut me off and started bringing them up.

Will asked, unprompted, if I’d told anyone else about what happened. I mentioned that I’d already spoken to Martin and Will let out an exasperated sigh, clearly unhappy that I’d discussed this with someone else.

By this point it was obvious that Will didn’t want to figure out what had happened and was mostly venting and accusing me of holding Daniel blameless, and was also concerned that no one else find out. I did not argue back with him on the phone and tried to end the call quickly, mentioning one or two more things that I had learned happened at the playground, then thanking him for talking to me and expressing that it was unfortunate we had to have this call. After the call ended, he texted and told me off for arguing with Caroline at the bus stop which, again, I had discreetly approached her asking to speak privately at another place and time and she started in on Daniel and events. But he didn’t care.

Since that call, Will has occasionally waved to me or made eye contact when I’ve waved to him first, but has not spoken to me. He has spoken to Lisa a few times at the bus stop, being overly friendly and acting as if nothing was wrong, which has immensely creeped Lisa out.

To the best of my knowledge, the Hendersons believe that Daniel was attacking Timothy and the other kids were all trying to stop him and protect Timothy. While I did tell Will some of the rest of what happened out there, I didn’t have the full picture assembled, didn’t get around to describing the effects on Daniel, and doubt he understands that Daniel was the victim, and Elaine and Timothy were used and manipulated by Michael and Robert. I’d also add that this situation was dangerous for Timothy as well, since Michael and Robert were harassing Daniel and trying to force a conflict by keeping him from leaving. While I am happy with how Daniel’s self-control has evolved as he’s gotten older, there was a very real chance that, with the stress Michael and Robert were placing on him, his fear and anger could’ve boiled over in the wrong direction. His sensory issues can make him easily upset when gets overwhelmed.

Since this incident, the Hendersons do not allow Robert to play one-on-one with Daniel, and do not allow their daughter Rachel to play one-on-one with Erin. Aside from an occasional nod or “hi” in passing from Will, and one or two random bus stop conversations he’s had with Lisa, the Hendersons do not acknowledge Lisa or me.

One interesting note is that I also learned, in my discussion with Martin, that Michael’s father, John, ignores him as well and has never said hello or acknowledged his existence. So, it’s not just us.

 

Other Events

Playground Attacks

(Ages 6 and 7)

Most of the details below were related by Daniel several months after the Battle Setup against Timothy happened, in early 2023, when Daniel was finally comfortable telling us what had been going on. Some of the details align with events I witnessed at the time. I place a good deal of faith in Daniel’s truth-telling here. I also suspect this is close to the truth because during this timeframe Robert Henderson would give Daniel toys, sports cards, etc., and when I asked Daniel why he told me it was “to apologize” but wouldn’t elaborate—so likely Robert had a guilty conscience about his activities against Daniel. Daniel accumulated a fair number of random toys, small NERF guns, etc. We also know that Michael and Robert attacked Andrew on at least one occasion during this time.

Many of the activities Daniel related fall under the textbook definition of bullying and manipulation, and he has no experience with any of these in books, TV, or from other sources. I don’t know how he would have fabricated all of this if he hadn’t experienced it, since he was (and largely still is) terrible at fabrication and lying. Plus, again, I knew something was going on, and a few details from Daniel’s stories aligned with facts I had collected. It’s quite possible that Daniel is mistaken about details and the order of some events, but I strongly suspect that most of what’s below happened, and mostly happened as he said. He sometimes randomly brings up new events, to this day, which indicates to me that he’s still processing everything.

Finally, I would note that, at these ages, Daniel would sometimes ask Lisa and I variations of the question “Why do people lie?” because he didn’t understand it and was genuinely confused. As he grew more sophisticated and experimented with lying to us, it was always obvious. We place a very strong emphasis on truth-telling in our family.

The below starts in Fall 2021, near the beginning of first grade, and mostly continues until late Spring 2022, with a couple events happening in early summer 2022. Daniel, Michael, and Robert are 6. When possible, the events are listed in order, but I don’t know precisely what happened when.

• From Daniel’s telling, the first event that happened at the playground involved Michael doing something to Daniel out of adult sight, Daniel getting upset and screaming at Michael, and Michael going and telling his mother Samantha that Daniel was screaming at him and bothering him. Lisa and I were not present, as we were still doing the “20-minute check-in” with him that had worked so well since kindergarten. Daniel approached Samantha and told her that Michael was being mean to him. Samantha told Daniel that he was tattling and that he shouldn’t be a tattle-tale, and urged him to stop. From this point on, in Daniel’s barely 6-year-old mind, he believed that telling on Michael was tattling.
• Note that school teaches the kids early on to report bullying, but they also discuss tattling as something bad that kids shouldn’t do. Daniel confirmed to us that, after Samantha remonstrated him, he thought he’d be tattling on Michael if he told anyone and that it would be bad to do so.
• Michael would shoot NERF darts at Daniel’s face and call him names, to taunt Daniel and get a reaction from him—either get him to shout or chase him away, so he could go to his mom and point out Daniel was screaming at him and chasing him.
• Michael would repeat the same words or short questions to Daniel, which Daniel finds very annoying due to an auditory sensory issue he has, and can rapidly trigger him to get upset. Michael would then tell on Daniel when he would get angry and shout.
• Michael once asked Daniel if he knew what the “F word” was, and asked Daniel to tell him. When Daniel did, Michael ran and told his parents.
• (I witnessed this from the door knock onward) In autumn 2021, Daniel was out at the playground playing with Robert and Michael. There was a knock on our door and I found Michael and Robert there. Michael told me that Daniel had knocked Robert’s little sister, Rachel (age 2 at the time) down at the playground. I followed them outside, across the street, and down the steps to the playground to find Rachel sitting on the sidewalk crying and Daniel standing next to her looking sheepish, no other adults in sight. I tried to console Rachel and help her get to her feet and mentioned that there might’ve been an accident but she looked ok. Michael and Robert then ran to Robert’s house and Will shortly came outside to help Rachel. I explained it looked like there’d been an accident and Daniel had bumped into Rachel, but no one was hurt, and Will agreed. Rachel was fine.
• Later I realized how strange it had been. I assume Daniel did knock Rachel down, but if he had done so maliciously, why did they leave her there crying with Daniel, go up the stairs out of the park, cross the street, and down the row of houses to knock on my door? And why didn’t they get Will until after they heard me say it looked like an accident? While 6-year-old logic doesn’t have to make sense, if Daniel was an aggressor and possible threat to Rachel, why did they leave him there? Why didn’t one of them run 40 feet away to Robert’s back gate and get her parents, instead of both of them going out of sight and across the street to tell on Daniel at his house? It’s difficult to imagine, were roles reversed, Daniel and a friend leaving a crying Erin after (eg) Robert knocked her down, and running across the street out of sight to Robert’s house to tell his parents instead of (1) defending Erin directly or (2) going one or two houses down the sidewalk and getting me or Lisa. But, the sequence of events does fit Michael’s M.O. of tattling being of paramount importance.
• (I witnessed this) I was leaving the playground with Erin to go home for dinner and we were on the steps leading out of the area. Daniel was trailing behind near the bench and tree, about 25 feet away. Michael called out to Daniel and pointed toward the playground structure. Daniel went back to Michael to see what he was pointing at. Michael said “Look, Nolan left his NERF gun on the playground!” (Nolan had left his big NERF sniper rifle on top of the playground slide) He then turned toward Daniel and calmly suggested “You should take it.” Daniel just looked at Michael, then looked at me, and started home. I don’t think Michael knew I was in earshot.
• Michael and Robert told Daniel they were going to play a game with NERF guns. They led him to the far side of the playground and around the corner, in the location where the choking would eventually take place, and Michael told Daniel to stand up against a fence. Once he did, Michael told him the game was “target practice” and they both started shooting at Daniel while laughing and insulting him.
• Michael, Robert, and Daniel were playing out around the circle on a hot day. Michael and Robert told Daniel they were going inside Robert’s house to get ice pops, asked him what flavor he wanted, then told him to wait outside for them. They never returned, and Daniel waited until he got too hot and went home. It could be they forgot about him, but this fits a pattern of pretending to be nice to Daniel and then ditching him that Michael was enacting around this time.
• All three boys were on bikes. Michael and Robert told Daniel he could go first, and they’d bike as fast as they could around the block. Daniel took off, and the other two turned around and hid from him.
• All three boys were again on bikes, possibly on the same day as the bike ditching above. After Daniel won a bike race (or perhaps after he found Michael and Robert after they ditched him? Daniel’s telling was unclear), Michael knocked him off his bike and Daniel skinned up his knees. Michael told him (paraphrase) “That’s what you deserve for wanting to be first.”
• (I witnessed this). When coming outside to check on Daniel at the playground, I came down the stairs and found Robert near the bottom of them. I asked Robert if he’d seen Daniel lately. Robert was smiling intensely, pointed out toward the street intersection behind me, and told me Daniel went that way. Michael came running up to him very fast, and whispered in Robert’s ear “No, not to him” and then, smiling and polite, accurately told me where Daniel was. Clearly some plans were afoot, and Michael also knew to code switch and hide intentions in front of me while Robert did not.
• (I witnessed Robert knocking on our door, heard the rest from Daniel when he came back inside) On one or two occasions, Robert knocked on our door and asked if Daniel could play with him, no Michael in sight. Robert then brought Daniel to the playground, and Michael would jump out from behind a bush, fence, etc. to scare Daniel, and start punching his arms/body and laughing at him. I believe this was summer 2022, possibly spring 2021.
• (I sometimes witnessed the “conferences” that Michael and Robert would have but didn’t know what to make of it, as they stayed further away from me when conversing) Often, if Robert and Daniel were playing together outside and Michael arrived, he would immediately get Robert away from Daniel and go off somewhere and start conferring with Robert. As Daniel later explained, they were making “plans” to do things to him. They would also go around the playground and set “traps” for Daniel, then try to lure him into them. Typical traps were things like bunches of sticks hoping he’d trip, rocks/mulch on the sidewalk hoping he'd slip, etc. Very Looney Tunes logic, but the intent to harm was there.
• (I heard from Daniel at the time, put pieces together later) On at least one occasion, Michael and Robert attacked Andrew, who was good friends with Daniel. I recall Daniel telling me that they were chasing Andrew when he fell down and scraped his knees, and that Michael and Robert laughed at Andrew. I didn’t clock this as part of a bullying pattern at the time because I was unaware of the other activities going on and this was pre-choking, though I did think it was not very nice. I suspect they may have attacked Andrew on other occasions, because Andrew was scared of them.
• This connects to the complaint from Will Henderson that Andrew and Daniel used to “gang up” on Robert by telling Robert they didn’t want to play with him. Will first told me about this behavior when I was talking to him about the choking incident, and it seems like it had happened multiple times over the course of weeks or months. Lisa and I spoke to Daniel about it, but given how freely he played with other kids suspected Andrew might have been the motivator. We told Stella and Leonard, Andrew’s parents, about it. They talked to Andrew and got back to us, saying that Andrew was afraid of Robert, and that any time Robert came outside to the playground Andrew would run away, often running into the house. Andrew would not elaborate on why. Well, I know why now.
• Much later, when Daniel had opened up about what was going on, I asked him if he remembered Robert coming outside and asking to play, and Andrew not wanting to. He said (paraphrase) “Robert would ask to play, then I’d look away, and Robert would do something to make Andrew run away.” I doubt Robert actually did anything in those moments Daniel looked away, but Daniel was trying to fill in the gap in his thinking and couldn’t model Andrew’s fear in his head, so replaced it with an action that he just didn’t see.
• (I witnessed directly) Not a bullying incident, but a strange observation. After the choking incident, Michael was nicer to Daniel for a while, though we had limited interactions with Michael and either Lisa or I had to always be around if he was outside near Daniel. One day in early summer, Michael, Robert, and Daniel were standing in a triangle and throwing a ball to each other at the playground while I sat at the picnic table. There was no rhyme or reason to who threw to who, but at one point I noticed something, put down my phone, and started watching intently. Daniel would throw to Robert or Michael. Robert would throw to Daniel or Michael. Michael would only throw to Robert. Only. I watched for about ten minutes and Michael never once threw the ball to Daniel, even if Robert had just thrown it to him and Daniel was the next logical person to throw to. Not once, until the end of the game. I knew then that there was definitely still a problem.

(Lisa or I witnessed directly) Three examples of Michael’s rage.

• Over the summer of 2021, before any of the playground attacks or major events had happened, Michael and Daniel were playing at the pool, around the concrete near the shallow end. At some point, Daniel peeled off and joined another group of kids who invited him to play in the pool in the shallow end. Michael went and sat at an umbrella table and did his teeth-grinding, fist clenching, body shaking rage cry, barely keeping himself under control. I was in the pool but noticed and tried to calm him, told him he should go play with those kids too, told him that Daniel likes to play with everybody and will sometimes jump to other friends, but he didn’t mean anything by it. Then Michael’s father John noticed Michael’s anger and started yelling at him to stop crying, told him that he’d be sent home if he didn’t stop immediately, and basically berated Michael in public. John turned away and said nothing, and I felt awkward enough after his yelling that I could think of nothing to say either. But then, John has never spoken to me anyway.
• Over the summer of 2021, Michael and Robert were in our backyard playing with Daniel when Michael found a fishing rod made from a stick and string. He thought he recognized it as a stick fishing rod that another child had lost several months prior, so he told me and ran off to the playground to go tell that child that Daniel had stolen it. In reality, Daniel and I had made it ourselves. Daniel and I followed Michael and Robert to the playground, because I wanted to get a handle on the situation before it spiraled. We found Michael telling his mom, Samantha, about it by the playground bench. I told both of them that it was our fishing rod that we made ourselves. Samantha said (paraphrase) “See Michael, it’s theirs. Stop tattling!” Michael then went into a rage, teeth-clenching, fist clenching, body shaking, clearly very mad that his accusation didn’t stick. Samantha didn’t bat an eye or respond further, so I assume she was used to seeing him do this.
• The same night that Michael made the fishing rod accusation, I was taking trash out through our back gate, but it was blocked. Someone had placed a cinder block in front of the gate so it couldn’t open. I’d had a cinder block along the fence on the outside of our yard that I’d intended to bring in for weeks but never had. It sounds paranoid, but I suspect that Michael, who had been in and around our backyard that day, moved it and thought it was a funny prank on Daniel. An odd coincidence otherwise, but someone had to have moved it there.
• Lisa was watching Erin at the playground in Spring 2023 while Michael and Robert were throwing a football around. Michael did or said something that upset Robert and Robert threw the ball very hard into Michael’s groin, causing Michael to fall to the ground in pain. Robert retrieved the ball, still looking very angry, and prepared to throw it hard at Michael again while he lay on the ground. Michael pleaded with him to stop, stood up despite the pain, and Lisa told me he was clearly fighting the “rage” look, fists shaking, teeth clenching. Michael made a joke, a play on words, about Robert hitting him in the balls with a ball, and started forced laughing while still clearly fighting his rage. He repeated the joke and eventually got Robert laughing and they continued playing afterward.
• When telling me this story, Lisa noted that, at age 7, Michael was able to deftly deflect and transform Robert’s anger with humor, despite his own anger at being hurt by Robert. That level of emotional awareness is not a normal ability of the typical 7-year-old boy, and he must have had practice with or observed similar situations in the past.
• (Lisa witnessed directly) At a mutual friend’s birthday party in Spring 2022, Daniel was sitting at the playground picnic table with a bunch of other kids. This was after the choking incident but before I’d been able to talk to the Thompsons about it at the party. The Thompsons arrived, and Lisa saw Michael make a beeline for the table. He pushed in between Daniel and Simon and started trying to get all the kids at the table to call Daniel a rude nickname. Lisa came up to the table and told him to stop. He smiled and laughed at her, turned, and ran off.
• Before we knew what was going on (and prior to the choking incident), Daniel would come home from playing with Robert and be carrying a toy, a sports card, coins, etc. I figured Robert was just very generous, but I also worried that Daniel (at age 6) was being acquisitive. He never came back with toys from other friends though. I asked him if he asked Robert for the toys, and he said no, that Robert gave them to him. I asked why Robert gave Daniel the toys, and Daniel said it was “to apologize.” Daniel didn’t elaborate.
• After the Battle Setup with Timothy, when Daniel opened up about what had been going on, I realized the gifts were Robert’s way of apologizing to Daniel for the things he and Michael did to him at the playground.
• Michael and Robert, when playing in a NERF war at the playground with other kids (including Daniel), would loudly tell their teammates how much they hated Daniel and that they’d shoot him even if he was on their team.

 

Basketball Court Encounters (age 8)

(I witnessed or overheard directly) Basketball court, Spring 2024

o   At the basketball court in Spring 2024, I was watching Erin, Abigail, Daniel, and Simon. Michael showed up with a basketball and did not acknowledge any of the other kids. Robert then showed up and said “hi” to everyone. At one point Michael asked Simon to play basketball with them, but Simon said he was playing with Daniel and didn’t think Daniel would want to do that (he was correct). Later, Abigail went home and Erin got mud splashed on her, became very upset, and wanted to go home. She took off on her scooter and I had to follow her.

o   Before I did, I quietly spoke with Daniel and asked him to come home with me. He insisted he’d be fine, and that Michael would listen to him if he said “no.” I reiterated that it was not safe, and asked him to play with Simon away from Michael and Robert. While I was talking to Daniel, Michael (who was behind Daniel, maybe 20 feet away near a basketball hoop) kept shooting glances over his shoulder at me, and I got the distinct feeling he was waiting for me to leave.

o   I brought Erin home to Lisa, then headed back out. Right before I made it to the basketball court, I ran into a teenager I knew and chatted with him, keeping an ear open toward the court. I was not visible from the court. Daniel and Simon were talking to Michael and Robert, and Daniel was showing them some Tae Kwon Do moves. Everything sounded ok, though I could only make out Daniel’s words. I heard Daniel say “no” a few times, then Daniel shouted “I don’t want to!” and threw Michael’s basketball toward the grass. Simon ran after it, saying he’d pick it up, and Michael very forcefully told Simon not to touch the ball and leave it exactly where it was. Michael then called his dad on his Apple watch and told him that Daniel had taken his basketball and thrown it away, and that Daniel was bothering him. I stepped into view, and told Daniel it was time to go home. Simon, sounding surprised by Michael’s reaction, tried to calm Michael down, saying “It’s ok Michael, see, Daniel is leaving.”

o   On the walk back, I asked Daniel why he shouted at Michael and threw his basketball. Daniel told me that Michael had been repeatedly asking him to play basketball and wouldn’t stop when Daniel said “no.” (Daniel, again, gets triggered by repetitious sounds, and I strongly suspect Michael has figured this out). Daniel thought that he had successfully dealt with the situation, because when he yelled at Michael and threw the ball, Michael stopped repeating the question. I tried to explain that Michael bothers Daniel so that he’ll get upset and react, and then Michael can try and get him in trouble.

o   Daniel was playing outside near the playground later that day and encountered Michael and Robert on their bikes. Michael insulted Daniel and threatened to run him over with his bike.

School Encounters

·         After the choking incident in Spring 2022, we learned from Daniel that Michael was harassing him at recess and bothering him in class.

o   Michael would hide under the large playground structure during recess and wait for certain kids, including Daniel, to come by. Then he’d run out of hiding and poke/hit them, insult them, and go back into hiding. I suspect he did this to keep out of sight of the teachers who monitored the playground, as his harassment was very brief each time.

o   Michael was in Daniel’s class in 1^st grade, and Daniel informed us Michael was always trying to talk to him when he was working on an assignment, and wouldn’t leave him alone when Daniel asked him to stop.

o   Daniel told us that he witnessed Michael harassing other kids in class. For example, Michael would walk by another kid and bump into him, then, if that child retaliated by bumping back, Michael would run to tell the teacher. From a brief email exchange with Daniel’s teacher after the choking incident, Lisa and I learned she had been Michael’s teacher for kindergarten as well, and got the impression that she was aware of Michael’s behavioral issues.

o   One day after the Battle Setup against Timothy incident, Michael sat next to Daniel on the bus and bothered him on the entire ride home, calling him a loser, a rude nickname, and saying “mean things” to him and poking at him, laughing.

o   Daniel has told us that through much of 1^st and 2^nd grade, some kids would call him this particular rude nickname at school. Michael is the only known source of this nickname, though admittedly it could come up elsewhere (it rhymes with his name). Daniel recently mentioned that the name calling had tailed off in 3^rd grade (after we strongly kept him separated from Michael), but one or twice a group of kids have called him the name at recess. Daniel identified some of them as Michael’s friends, but didn’t know all of them. Again, it’s very likely that Michael is keeping this going.

o   After each of the two major incidents above, choking and battle, we contacted Daniel’s teachers to ask them to keep a lookout at recess, and included a description of the danger to Daniel. We also contact the school every year in the Spring and request that Daniel not be placed in the same classroom as Michael or Robert, for his safety.

 

Miscellaneous, Minor Observations

(Witnessed by me) At Simon’s 11^th birthday party, Daniel was reluctant to play outside since Michael was present. He did come outside toward the end of the party and play around Simon’s front/side yard with other kids. Michael was present, as were Simon and a few others including Harold and Benjamin. Simon’s father Jack and I were outside supervising.

At one point, Daniel tried out Harold’s NERF gun and shot many bullets up in the air. Harold, who has ADHD and also gets upset easily, became upset with Daniel for potentially losing all his bullets. Daniel put the gun down and stepped away while Harold yelled at him. Benjamin then came up to look at the gun, and Harold turned to him and kicked him in the stomach. Benjamin was unharmed and didn’t cry (it wasn’t a hard kick).

Michael immediately rushed up to Harold and started asking him repeatedly why he kicked Benjamin, but Harold was too upset to respond and was looking for his bullets. Michael then went over to Simon and started telling Simon about it, and clearly was trying to make an issue out of it. Simon didn’t really respond. Michael then grabbed his NERF gun and quickly biked home without saying goodbye to anyone. I suspect he went to tell his parents.

This entire scene fits Michael’s M.O. of finding kids who did something wrong and making a big deal out of it, tattling, etc. In this case he didn’t need to provoke.

(Witnessed by Lisa) At the community pool, summer 2023, Daniel was splashing away and kicking in the shallow end while Michael and Kaitlin sat on the pool edge. A few drops of water from Daniel’s splashing hit them, and Michael started complaining to Kaitlin that Daniel was splashing them, in a clear attempt to start turning it into a problem. When Kaitlin didn’t respond he again complained to her about the splashing. Kaitlin just rolled her eyes and told him it’s a pool, so of course you’re going to get splashed. Then she got up and walked away.

 

Summary of Michael’s Methods

·         Started out as a tattler

·         Eventually learned he could provoke other kids into doing things to tattle on.

o   Note Daniel’s observation in first grade of Michael bumping other kids, then telling when the kid bumped him back.

o   Note tattling that Daniel knocked Rachel down, comes to me first, then when I’m not punishing Daniel, goes to Robert’s house to get his parents.

o   Provokes responses out of sight/quietly, then draws attention to reaction.

o   Pretty classic DARVO setup. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.

·         Sometimes escalates to physical abuse such as choking, punching, knocking Daniel off his bike, etc.

·         Extremely careful about concealment, evident as early as 1^st grade. I could tell something was going on when I went out to the playground to check on Daniel, but never exactly what. Code switching in front of me was evident, though sloppy (but he was only 6, so pretty good considering).

 

Discussions with Daniel

I’ve already outlined the effects that the two major incidents had on Daniel and won’t repeat that here. In general, Daniel has become more cautious around children, and he’s clearly agitated and wary when Michael and Robert are around, sometimes sitting out group games or asking to go home. He’s asked us on several occasions if he can trust another child, and we’ve had to reassure him that most other kids are not like Michael and he shouldn’t worry.

Lisa and I have developed the “Michael Rule,” where Daniel may play outside unsupervised but must immediately come get one of us as soon as Michael appears. He must not wait for Michael to do something that bothers him, but to immediately get us. This is because Daniel still doesn’t understand how Michael operates and thinks that he can just yell at Michael or ignore him to get him to stop. (I ignored bullying when I was a child and told no one about them, just as Daniel has done, but none were as pernicious as Michael). We’ve had to discuss with Daniel that this is a safety issue, that Michael has tried to seriously hurt him and may try to do so again, and that even when he doesn’t get physical with Daniel, Michael is trying to hurt his feelings, make him feel bad, and embarrass him in front of other kids.

Unfortunately, Daniel has to now watch out wherever he goes in the neighborhood in case Michael shows up. We’ve delayed letting him have a larger range around the neighborhood for this reason.

 

Timeline of Events

Summer 2021:

·         Michael and Robert friendly with Daniel

·         Michael rage at the pool witnessed

·         Michael’s chattiness and intense interest in Daniel noticed by me

·         Michael tries to tattle on Daniel about the stick fishing pole, second rage witnessed.

Fall 2021 – Spring 2022 (1^st grade)

·         Events listed under “playground attacks” occur, sequence fuzzy, but at the start Daniel is told by Samantha that he’s “tattling” when he complains.

·         Michael and Robert begin routinely attacking Daniel around the playground, though Daniel and Robert still play ok one-on-one and Robert gives gifts to apologize.

·         Andrew starts fleeing from Robert, Robert returns home crying when Andrew and Daniel won’t play

·         Michael starts harassing Daniel at school

·         Choke and Threat major event occurs in Spring 2022, polite discussion with Will Henderson, hostile response from the Thompsons.

Summer 2022

·         Baseball throwing observation at the playground

·         Robert knocks on our door a few times as bait to get Daniel outside for Michael to attack

Fall 2022 (2^nd grade)

·         Battle Against Robert

·         Battle Setup against Timothy happens 2 or 3 days later. Polite discussion with Martin, hostile conversations with the Hendersons. No attempt to communicate to the Thompsons given their hostility last time.

·         Both of the Hendersons cease communicating with or responding to us in public. No private attempts are made. John Thompson has never spoken to or acknowledged us anyway. Samantha Thompson continues polite conversation in public, maintaining a surface façade that nothing’s wrong.

·         Michael harasses Daniel on the school bus, gets kids at school to call him rude nickname.

(We keep Daniel away from Michael and Robert as much as possible, so encounters stop for a while)

Spring 2024 (3^rd grade)

·         Basketball court encounter where Michael provokes Daniel and tries to tattle on him.

 

The Thompsons, the Hendersons, and Hostile Communication Patterns

A pattern that emerges in the events above is one of a lack of communication from the Thompsons and Hendersons, and hostility when bringing up a problem. After the choking incident, right before we finished talking, I asked Will if Daniel was doing anything out of the ordinary that bothered Robert, and he told me about Daniel and Andrew refusing to play with Robert, and that it had been going on for some time. If I hadn’t asked, he wouldn’t have said anything, despite routinely seeing either him or Caroline at the bus stop and at the playground.

When I tried talking to the Thompsons about the choking incident at the playground, I approached them saying (paraphrase) “I’ve noticed some tension between Michael and Daniel lately and I was hoping to talk to you about it” and they instantly launched into a list of grievances against Daniel, including “he knocked Rachel down!” and “he chases and screams at Michael!” and asked me how I could possibly let him play outside unsupervised for any length of time. This list was top of their minds, but they never said anything to me. I saw Samantha almost weekly at the time, would come out to check on Daniel at the playground and would ask her how things were going, etc. She was always smiles, “everything’s fine,” not a single mention of any concerns. If I hadn’t tried to, very politely, talk to her about Michael choking and threatening Daniel, she would’ve kept not saying anything and would never have known what her son did.

John has never made eye contact with Lisa or me, never waved at us, and generally does not acknowledge that we exist in any capacity. Lisa once tried to say hello to him outside while he was pushing his younger son in a stroller, and John just navigated the stroller around her like a rock was on the sidewalk and kept going. He does the same to Martin and Sandra (Elaine and Timothy’s parents), and I suspect there may be others. We get a relentlessly hostile feeling from him whenever he’s around. Lisa especially gets “dangerous” vibes.

The Hendersons seem to function in much the same way as the Thompsons, as Caroline and Will didn’t say anything about (eg) Andrew and Daniel turning Robert away for weeks to months until I directly asked Will. This is despite me seeing them almost daily at the bus stop, weekly at the playground, Caroline having my phone number, and our kids playing together frequently. After the Battle Setup against Timothy, neither of them said anything to me despite clearly believing that Daniel had (1) kicked Robert unprovoked two days prior and (2) had attacked and harmed Timothy at the playground. It was only when I discreetly approached Caroline at the bus stop asking to chat with her some other time that she opened up about not wanting Robert to play with Daniel, etc.

And on the phone call with Will about a week later, he had a list of “problems with Daniel,” all of which were events that occurred about 6+ months prior, which I outlined above. For the stick scratch on Robert’s face, he opened with (paraphrase) “Guess what? Daniel lies to you, he doesn’t tell you things! (Relates the stick scratch event). Daniel never apologized to Robert, so I know he didn’t tell you about it!” He saved his knowledge of that event as a gotcha, didn’t contact me when it happened, and was unaware that Daniel had apologized to Robert when he and Caroline were not present. And Daniel had told me of the event immediately after it happened, though I couldn’t recall it on the phone with Will at the time (remember, it happened ~6 months before the call, the Hendersons never previously mentioned it, and I was dealing with a traumatized Daniel and trying to figure out what was going on). And because the Hendersons don’t talk about things, they didn’t talk to Stella and Leonard about Andrew refusing to play with Robert, and so they didn’t learn that Andrew was afraid of Robert, depriving them of the opportunity to wonder why… Not that they’d want to think about it.

All of the above is a form of deceptive and hostile communication. They don’t talk to you when there is a problem, either assuming you know about the problem and aren’t fixing it because there’s something wrong with you, or reserving knowledge of the issue to bring up as ammunition later on. When there is a problem that you’re aware of and you try to bring it up with them, they unload at you. How dare you raise this issue when *you* have (or *your child* has) done all these horrible things that we know about?!

This is not how friends interact. Friends try to mend relationships. This is how people who hate you but want to maintain a surface impression of friendliness interact. They will lie and omit and pretend as much as possible while gathering what they think is dirt on you. It’s a direct, adult, extrapolation from Michael’s behavior, where he hides his true feelings and actions and makes it seem like his targets, the kids he hates, are the ones causing the problem. In this case, it’s “Oh, you say my kid is causing problems? Well guess what, it’s actually your kid!” Reverse victim and offender.

Unfortunately, I obsessively try to figure things out, and really want to know if my kids are doing anything bad, need behavioral corrections, etc. I also like to communicate openly and plainly with others to solve problems. I’m also willing to write this all down in detail to make sure I get it right.

And so I can finally sleep at night and think about these incidents without my whole body starting to shake from stress, as there’s something therapeutic about creating this record.

All of the above is as close as I can get to the truth about what has happened and what presents a difficult ongoing problem for our family. And perhaps others, if Michael and Robert have more victims.

 

Closing Thoughts

I must reiterate that Daniel is not a perfect child. He gets upset and he has had his share of problems relating to and playing with other kids in the neighborhood. Virtually every kid does at younger ages when they’re still trying to figure out socializing. His likely ADHD and Tourette’s make it easy for him to get agitated and overwhelmed, which can result in meltdowns or inappropriate behavior, especially when he was younger. His fight or flight mechanism is firmly set on “fight,” which means at minimum holding his ground and more likely yelling and escalating when he gets stressed.

But, with all that, I don’t detect any malice in his actions, and there is no ongoing targeting of one or more kids for harassment, threats, and physical attack. In the couple of instances in 1^st grade that he’s been mean to Robert or hurt him, Daniel has apologized and it hasn’t happened again. He plays with many other kids throughout the neighborhood and at school without problems.

When there have been problems with other kids where Daniel has been the main disruptor, we talk to him about it and work on behavioral adjustments, and the problems stop. He gets along well enough with most other kids in the neighborhood, though there are a few whose personalities clash with his—but these clashes are obvious and avoidable and, again, not out of malice from either side.

He’s very clearly scared of Michael, not angry or hostile or even indifferent toward him.

But whenever Michael is around problems occur. When Michael is around, Daniel is targeted. Daniel at ages 6 and 7 came home crying and shaking with physical and emotional trauma that, at age 9 today, he is still processing and which still effects his behaviors when playing outside with other children. This happens with no other child except Michael. Lisa and I have witnessed enough, heard enough from Daniel, heard enough from other kids, and seen the physical and psychological toll on Daniel, to understand that Michael is a very careful and extremely vicious bully who can never be trusted near Daniel without strict supervision. We also believe that Michael has not received any corrections to his behavior, that his parents are in denial and minimize his bad behaviors, and that his bullying will continue to get more sophisticated and severe as he gets older.